A Tribute to Our Dearest Shella

Deepest condolonces and prayers to our friend, Shella Grace Paz. Shels is a good friend
of my sister. The last time I talked to her, she invited me to some prayer and meditation
class that she is currently attending.

I got this from Shella's blogger friend. I thought of sharing this wonderful piece, too. Her friend said:
I can't believe Shels died at such a young age. She was a nice person, definitely a
Lasallian debater. I admire her for her simplicity and her humility. Most of all, she is
a high school teacher, and I really admire people who dedicate their lives to teach.

"Essay for Iwill2will" by Shella Paz

[DISCLAIMER: When asked to talk about one's self, I think the tendency is to sell
yourself good, or to vindicate some flaws. I don't really know where to begin. I don't
know how honest or how accurate this essay will come out to be but I am hoping that in
the end, it will serve at least two purposes: to help me sort out my thoughts about my
self, and help me really prepare for the Iwill2will workshop]

Let's pretend I'm someone else other than myself, describing my self as a very familiar
friend:
Shella is a 24 year old teacher, a graduate of De La Salle University, daughter of
Mercedes and Nemrod. She lives in Quezon City. She is into drawing and painting, an avid
reader, and a music enthusiast. She currently teaches World History at the Philippine
Science High School. She earns meagerly and is still single.

The above reads like a slum book or an encyclopedia entry. Is it accurate? If I hear my
friend saying that about me, what would I feel?
I think that the description above would answer the question "What am I?" rather than
"Who am I?". "Who" is used to pertain to a person, to someone. And a person, perhaps, is
more than his/her job, clothes, nationality or degree; more than the color of skin,
height, width, favorite ice cream.

So, who am I? I think I am the life that I live. When I think of the meaning of "me",
can't help but speak about the meaning of "my life".

What is my life? It may be described as the sum of all the circumstances I've gone
through, thoughts and dreams I embrace, work I've done, tears I've shed (mushy..),
laughter, things and people I love, my hopes, fears, the lessons I've learned throughout
the years, and some of my drawings. The products of my experiences, choices, and
responses as an individual make up my life.

But what if, to my surprise, I find someone somewhere in the other side of the world who
looks, thinks, feels, and acts, exactly like I do? Would that mean there are two "me's"?
What if, somewhere in time, I meet someone who've gone through the same things, dreamt
and loved the same, laughed as loud and cried as shamelessly, and lived like I do, would
that person be another "me"? Somehow, it's not enough to talk about one's self as a
product of a set of possibilities. I feel that, to define one's self, it is a requirement
also to distinguish one's existence from all the billions of other existence; perhaps,
what makes the person a "someone", an "individual", is that which sets him/her
apart--unique amidst the many peoples who live, have lived, and will live.

I used to think that I am not at all unique. A description of me can fit any one; if you
just change the names and figures, it can be anybody. Even the thoughts I have and have
had, even the most silent ones, these can be someone else's too.

However, I have come to believe that my existence is unique. I am a unique body and soul
for one. My set of circumstances would also be impossibly the same with anybody else's.
And most of all, I was uniquely designed, intended for a unique purpose and meaning by
God. I am not one of the outcomes of mass-production in a factory; I was handcrafted by
an omnipotent craftsman. And it doesn't stop there. I am also continuously being shaped
and colored, tracked and guided, sustained, rebuilt, fortified, nurtured, and loved. I
don't always feel good about what I am or what I do but this fact about me makes me love
my self, my life.

What is that unique purpose that I was created for? What is the meaning of my life? I
know now, that I was born to love. However, I am still unsure about which road to take,
or which path to follow--I mean, I am uncertain about which lifetime career I should
dedicate my self to, or what is the vocation I should see and follow.

In the meantime, I would like to live my life one day at a time. And I hope that I would
live it each day fighting to love and learning how to love. I still have many hopes and
dreams that I want to pursue, tears and troubles I want to overcome, yearnings I want to
satisfy, but in the general sense this is what I want out of my life: to be what I ought
to be and to never fall away on account of Him who saves me.