So I Pray

Before reading this, let us be silent for several minutes. Start by thanking God then continue praying to your heart’s desire.

For my introduction, this is what I have to say – I am not religious but I am spiritual. It is just ME, my PRAYER and my GOD. Please allow me to share with you my journey – as an individual and as a pilgrim of the world.

Praying is like eating to me, it is crucial to my growth as I explore and learn about my spirituality. I keep on searching for ways to know myself and God for ages. Last August was an opportune time for me to attend an ‘Encounter with God Retreat’. The last retreat I attended was wayback 2003. I rarely attend retreats but there’s a jolt inside me telling me that I should. That retreat is extraordinary and special to me because it is our first couple retreat, two weeks before our 6th anniversary. After that wonderful event, I have found a bit of serenity. I thanked God for making me feel that magical jolt.

Apparently, I always try to find balance just like the Yin and Yang. I see myself searching for the kind of balance that would make my life turn 360 degrees. It is in this stage that I started to pray more often than what I used to. I have read the Bible and the books pertaining to that matter until I found Elizabeth Gilbert’s ‘Eat Pray Love’. Her mentor, Ketut Liyer, enlightens us with his words of wisdom: To find the balance that you want, this is what you must do. You must keep your feet grounded so firmly on the earth that it’s like you have four legs, instead of two. That way, you can stay in the world. But you must stop looking at the world through your head. You must look through your heart, instead. That way, you will know God. Such comforting words confirmed my thoughts and convictions that I should continue my soul searching.

In my constant search to find myself and God, I have learned the following:

1. Love and accept yourself.
2. Be grateful with what you are given.
3. Be yourself.
4. Learn to love solace and find peace in solitude.
5. It is hard but we should forgive those people who have wronged us. We should also forgive ourselves, too.
6. Take time to be silent. Silence makes us think and reflect more.
7. When confused and undecided, be still and pray.
8. Practice not to worry too much.
9. Value the non-negotiable blessings in life like family and friends. Although work is important, our work will not take care of us in the long haul.
10. Know God.

To date, 2010 is my most prayerful and busiest year. Whenever I do something, I pray. The act of praying, if correlated with correct thinking, can really do wonders to our lives. It all starts with having a strong mindset and ardent will to change and make things happen.

I also became an agnostic. After my discernment and constant prayers, I am back to normal again. That’s the time that I have proven that I can be ‘still’ without having to worry about my tomorrows. Knowing that we have a loving God makes all the difference. It gives me peace of mind which in turn brings gladness to my heart and fulfilment to my soul. My faith in Him definitely moves me.

It is only NOW that I can finally say I am living my life. I have died and have been renewed by accepting God in my life. I am starting to live my dream. I am no longer worried of the adversities that are yet to come because I know that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Philippians 4:13). I have made my own Yin and Yang in a rational way: Good > Bad = Balance. I believe that good must outlive the bad in order to achieve balance. Another equation for a happy and fulfilled life is this: EAT heartily, PRAY solemnly and LOVE unconditionally.

Tracy-ing the Times Together

1st of January. 14th day of February. These are just some of the days we celebrate around the world. But for me and my best friend, Tracy, that wonderful day is 8th of March. We planned this BF date (best friend date) one month ahead. We are so giddy with excitement as we do the countdown until it reaches the 8th day of March. We are like the kids who are excited to shop for their new toys and the teens who are excited to get their hands on the latest fashion magazines in town. I think our excitement is more than that because it’s been a really long time since we last saw each other. Okay, we watched the ‘Red Jumpsuit Apparatus’ concert and we both wear our friendship shirts in purple shade. And so, the flashback starts.

I have been friends with Tracy since 3rd year high school. I am a new student then and she was my other seatmate on my 1st day of school. At first, I thought she would be just like any other classmate I knew, someone who would be your friend only when there are assignments, quizzes, seatworks and the like. I never thought that she could be my best friend because at that time, all I wanted was to cope up with the new environment that I am in. Well, being a new student is not new to me since I’m used to hop from one school to another but this one is different. I just know that this ‘transfer’ is different from the previous transfers I have made.

We went to different schools in college but our friendship blossomed into something deeper even if we are apart. Don’t get me wrong, we do not have a lesbian relationship. We have our own share of boyfriend stories too. We have a deeper relationship than just living on what we call ‘best friend status’. We officially call ourselves ‘sisters’. In one of her letters to me, she mentioned that she relates to me even more as her sister than her best friend. I made a poem out of the letters in her name and she made me a poem in return. At the bottom of the card, she told me that I am her best-est friend in the whole world. It is one of the nicest compliments I’ve ever got! Up to the present, she would always call me up for a slumber party at her place.

Trace (as I fondly call her) and I try to meet at least once or twice a month. I think old friends should meet up once in awhile to reconnect and hang out. Being busy is not an excuse unless of course, it is a matter of life and death then you can postpone meeting up with your friends. We may not know the value of these moments now but we will surely appreciate all these in the future especially when we are old. Who are you going to run to if you don’t have friends beside you? It would be better to create wonderful moments with your friends now than to create it later when they are all gone. Do dead people get to appreciate and smell the flowers? Even if they do, we wouldn’t be able to see the smiles on their faces now. Of course, we don’t want regrets. Now that we still have time, let’s spend it with them and let them know that they are treasured no matter how seldom we say it. I may sound crazy but I’ve had my fair share of my friends’ early demise which is why I always value the time I have with my friends. These times are priceless and can never be regained once lost.

Being with her is one of the best friendship moments I’ve had. Yes, simply being with her and just literally chilling out. There are times where we rarely talk about our lives. We would just go eat and watch a movie in complete silence yet we both understand each other. It’s like finding a soulmate-friend in one another. I totally dig her as my own sister. Tracy is not like any other girl pal I’ve met because she’s damn different. What I like about her is that she tries to understands me even if I am really hard to fathom. We’ve got our friendship going on for 12 rock solid years but it still feels like the friendship days we’ve had in high school.

Nothing has changed except for the fact that we’ve got some pimples and wrinkles on our faces. Guess what, we are not even afraid of having more creases on our foreheads and crow’s feet on our eyes! She even told me that she will worry if time comes that we lose in touch. I told her that if that happens, I will find her. And if I can’t find her, maybe she can go find me, too. Then, halfway around the world or somewhere, we both know that our paths would cross again.